National/Liberal Opposition Front Bench
Tony Abbott has become opposition leader and is now announcing his front bench. We cross now to Parliament House in Canberra…
Abbott: Welcome everyone. As newly appointed opposition leader, I have decided on the following people for my front bench. I have chosen, Who for Shadow Treasurer, What for Shadow Industrial Relations Minister, and No Idea for Shadow Environment Minister.
Rudd: It’s nice to see we have new leadership in the opposition, but working families would like to know who the shadow ministry is.
Abbott: Well, as I’ve just told you, we have Who for Shadow Treasurer, What for Shadow Industrial Relations Minister, and No Idea for Shadow Environment Minister.
Rudd:I’m sure you’re a very clever politician, but the bottom line is this … Who is Shadow Treasurer?
Abbott: That’s correct
Rudd: Pardon?
Abbott: Who is the Shadow Treasurer.
Rudd: On the question of Shadow Treasurer, working families would dearly like to know who is in this role.
Abbott: Yes, Who IS the Shadow Treasurer.
Rudd: Okay, if the opposition leader wishes to get hairy-chested about telling us the Shadow Treasurer, perhaps he’d like to answer another question. Who is the Industrial Relations minister?
Abbott: No, Who is the Shadow Treasurer.
Rudd: Not Interested in the Shadow Treasurer…
Abbott: No no no, Not Interested is our Shadow Foreign Affairs minister.
Rudd: … Right, so who takes the position of Shadow Defense minister then?
Abbott: Why do you insist on taking Who away from Shadow Treasurer?
Rudd: I’m not trying to take anyone out of any role — in due season, we’d all like to know who the opposition front bench is. Okay, let’s go role-by-role here. Please tell us who you have selected for these roles. Shadow Treasurer…
Abbott: Who
Rudd: Sorry?
Abbott: Who is our Shadow Treasurer.
Rudd: That’s what I’m asking you. Never mind we’ll come back to that… Shadow Industrial Relations minister?
Abbott: What
Rudd: Who is the Shadow Industrial Relations minister?
Abbott: What
Rudd: Is this microphone working or has the Opposition Leader gone deaf?
Abbott: I can hear you fine. I’m telling you our Shadow Industrial Relations minister is What.
Rudd: (sighs) Okay, Shadow Environment minister?
Abbott: No Idea
Rudd: You don’t know?
Abbott: Yes, I do know…
Rudd: You’ve lost touch with your own party?
Abbott: …No, No Idea is our Shadow Environment minister.
Rudd: Fine, how about Shadow Communications minister?
Abbott: Tomorrow
Rudd: What’s wrong with today?
Abbott: No, we put Today on the backbench
Rudd: I’m sorry, I don’t follow.
Abbott: Today used to have the role of Health minister but after the reshuffle following the election, we have placed him on the back bench.
Rudd: Well it seems we’ve come to a fork in the road. My challenge to the Opposition Leader is this… It’s time to end the blame game, and decide who you wish to select for your front bench.
(Thanks go to Abbott & Costello for writing the Who’s On First skit that this is based on, and to the Liberals for collating a useful table of Rudd quotes.)
Leave a Reply